PREAMBLE :-
"When you go out to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God delivers them into your hand, and you take them captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and desire her and would take her for your wife, then you shall bring her home to your house, and she shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall put off the clothes of her captivity, remain in your house, and mourn her father and her mother a full month; after that you may go in to her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife. And it shall be, if you have no delight in her, then you shall set her free, but you certainly shall not sell her for money; you shall not treat her brutally, because you have humbled her. Deut 21:10-14 NKJV
The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?" And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made* them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?" He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry." Matt 19:3-10 NKJV
Explanation | 1889 Saw the establishment of a British food company called Sharwoods. Premier foods, another British owned food company, now runs this delectable line of Asian cooking sauces and for a man that cannot cook, well, Mrs Sharwood is a saucy lady every man can have a long lasting relationship with for under £2.00 a go.
I hate the term ‘house husband’ for it stinks of un Biblical role reversal and emasculation. Even so, my wife, my help meet and true life partner has been ‘the breadwinner’ for a wee while and trundled to and fro along that biggest car park in the world ( London’s M25) and you know, she deserves to be pampered and taken care of when she gets in from working out of the house. It is my delight to take care of her. And just for good measure, one day, she reminded me that that’s the way it should be! However, sometimes, a mere man, a man up to his neck in words, needs help, needs another women to come and help take care of his needs.
In this, the Bible is immensely practical. Nowadays however, Christianity has, somewhat, restored God’s original idea of marriage to its intended essence and character, so much so, that concubinage is most certainly counted with the sexual and heart sins of fornication and adultery. Me and Mrs Sharwood function on an old Testament footing however!
Lastly, I hope this poem gives you a giggle. After all, things aren’t always as they seem, are they!
PERFORMANCE TIPS:
When performing this, I would leave the explanation of the poem until the end of the piece. Especially if your audience are church goers! Gyrate if you dare, especially to a Bossa Nova Rhythm!
Note as well, that the Stanza beginning with ‘Beaten by a 4lb hammer’ is purposefully stark, an awkward insertion in the piece, even in the seeming peace. Adultery is. In reality, it kills marriages, and leaves men and women squealing and bleeding, stripped and burning. There is nothing that is nicely illicitor sweetly justifiable about unfaithfulness. This verse is supposed to jar. It’s supposed to be sour. ( Excuse the Sharwood’s pun)
The poem reverts back to its softer tone in the last verse but I hope a chicken bone being ‘beaten with a 4lb hammer’ rightly sticks in a few folks throats!
The Dartford tunnel was taking its toll on our relationship and
My wife was stuck in standing traffic
Frustrated, fried and crazy
So, taking advantage of the delay
Me and my new lady
Took the time to ‘get it on’ once more, and
In the lavender filled washing liquid flavored air
Which oozed out of the white, wet tray above
The virgin white cube’s, glass porthole,
To the background Brazilian Bossa nova rhythm of
The dirty dish washer
I quickly put her on the cooker top and
Screwed her lid right off!
Know what I mean boys
Sure, my wife’s revolving bra’s and pants
In shocked surprise
Pressed their face against the glass and
Criticized my efforts, but this was a well practiced event now,
A quick and illicit
Hunger panging
Guilt ridden
Aluminium pan banging affair
‘Cause you see, me and Mrs Sharwood, well,
We got a thing goin' on and though we both know that it's wrong
It’s just much too strong
To let it go now
Beaten by a 4lb hammer
The Diamond wood grenade
Unmercifully split the knotted hazel
Bringing the proud and unyielding log to its knees
Like a Pole axe pounded into a pink pigs head
And stripped of its Samson like strength
Its long grained meat now lay crackling in the fire
“One more screw”
I thought
“Before she barges through the door”
And the cork,
Sucked out of the brown bottle’s neck
Bounced to exhaustion on the kitchen floor
Sweet and sour chicken and some long grain rice
Thawed the ice of commuter madness, and
Served in front of a roaring red hot fire with some chilled white wine
Unlike the M25, speedily
Turned winter into summer in
Double quick,
Quick double time
“Thank you my dear”
She said,
“That was lovely” and
“All that effort!”
“Yeah,” I thought
“You poor deluded thing”
Little did she know that me and Mrs Sharwood, well,
We got a thing goin' on and though we both know that it's wrong
It’s just much too strong
To let it go now
NOTES[1] Travelling anti-clockwise and North on the M25 will bring you to the Dartford Toll Tunnel which runs under the river Thames for nearly 1.5km.
[1] My lovely wife, bless her, can’t help herself giving me advice in the Kitchen! I think it’s because she has to clean up after me.
[1] I hate the fact that at this point in our lives, its mostly my wife that is seen to have a ‘proper job’, you know, one that brings in a steady wage. I hate the fact that she comes home so tired. I just hate it. Mind you, I have done it myself as well!
[1] If you are from the USA please feel free to insert Aluminum!
[1] "Me and Mrs. Jones" is a soul song written by Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff, describing an extramarital affair between a man and his lover, Mrs. Jones.
CHORUS | Me and Mrs.Jones
We got a thing goin'on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong
To let it go now
We meet every day at the same cafe
Six-thirty and no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of plans
While the juke box plays our favorite songs
CHORUS |
We gotta be extra careful
That do we don't build our hopes up too high
Because she's got her own obligations
And so, and so, do I
CHORUS |
Well, it's time for us to be leaving
It hurts so much, it hurts so much inside
Now she'll go her way and I'll go mine
Tomorrow we'll meet
The same place, the same time
CHORUS |
[1] This is a fantastic device which splits logs into four! Worth every penny, even if its just to annoy the neighbours with all the banging.
[1] Marriage is a tied knot and adultery, illicit sex, is like taking a sledge hammer to a diamond wood grenade. Just keep banging away and everything falls apart, even heaven tied knots.
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